A Step 2 Giving Up; A Glint Of Hope

Life haven't been great right now. It feels to me like the world is closing down and life's supposed to end this way.

Went for several interviews and all are just fucked-up. Sometimes I wonder why I'm spending time with them when things clearly isn't working out. Had one promising a slot and when I received their call, I was apparently rejected. Guess I sense a hope of getting a job I'd enjoy cause I felt a twist of emotions then. A part of me was upset due to rejection; and the other part was happy cause this wasn't what i would have wanted.

Family isn't doing great too. Elder brother finally got a job but his car's down. Dad spent another 1.5k bucks on it and another 1.6k on his X-Trail. Mum's giving bros a whole stack of cash since dad's not wanting to spend on any of the two guys; causing the insurance payment to be bare by me instead. As for me, I'm keeping it all to myself hoping that I'd be able to solve my monetary and emotional issues all on my own when things aren't working out well like-wise.

As for my friends, lets just say I decided to be the one sitting back watching it all and being there for everyone but myself. Godsis got into a breakup and finally walked away from her ex. Her world seems to be crumbling and I'm just being there for her the way any friend or sis would do; listening to her issues and giving her the best advice possible. As for my Lionman, the personal emotional part of me no longer is there, causing me not to be able to open up the way i used to. I'd just listen to him and his choices he makes, realizing how much alike we are and knowing the mistakes he would end up in soon; but these mistakes will make him realize the person in him. He'll need to go through this and make his choices; it won't be the same as mine that's for sure.

Sometimes I wonder.. what am I doing here? why am i supposed to live? which are my choices I have? why is all of these happening to me? how am i suppose to survive til tomorrow? i no longer believe in hope, i no longer believe there's a place out there for me, i no longer know what i am - who i am - why i am the way i am. All i know now is i'll need to survive this fight, i'll grow stronger one day, i'll not lose down no matter what... that's what life is. To fight for the unknown. To learn the unknown. To be the unknown.

Who & What Am I?!

sometimes I wonder the sort of person I portray myself as... a slut? a bitch? a whore? easy going? playful? 


sometimes I wonder if what I'm doing is right... 


sometimes I wonder if I could just end my life and lead another...


guess i'm too tired with what life's installed for me. feel like the world had come to an end and I'm here struggling to survive, pulling my feet together and forcing myself to something that was long gone. I guess it was my end, and I'm pretending I still have a world to view. 


i lost myself; to my very own self. i no longer know which route i walk, what steps am i making, where am i heading, why am i walking, how am i climbing or who am i supposed to get guidance from.... 


i want respect... but all i get people using me; one way or the other...


i need love... but all i get are fake lies and pretenders that wants to get into my pants...


is life supposed to end? am i supposed to stand? someone answer my queries... i'm tired of this life...

An Additional Choice

Had a unique experience 2 days ago when i was in IRC. For once after many years, a female messaged me and we chatted a lil. As she added me in MSN, i began to realized the reason of it all. Oh yea, she's a lesbian in search of a friend/companion. The question came when she asked, "so, are u straight or les?". 

Now, that's a difficult question to answer to really think about it. All i answered was, "As far as I remembered, I'm still straight" and she went pondering with the next question, "Ever thought of turning bisexual?". Mmm... that's a question I've asked myself since 8 years back when I finally had female friends that I can relate and communicate without having to drain my brains thinking of a topic. Easily enough, the answer to her was, "Nop".

An experience years ago came to me when I had a some-what a crush on a gal-friend of mine. I'd just do anything and everything for her; just to see an additional day of her smiling or laughing. I remembered the times I'd hold her hand, and the times I'm hugging her in bed; plus the times I'd look her in the eyes to tell her that everything would be alright. That was how close I am with a girl, some-what closer than I'd be with any guys (other than TD - my ex) in my whole life till now. During those times, I'd wonder what I am and who I am - am I making a mistake doing this after all. I never knew I had a potential of being a lesbian at that point of time; not until i met a group of gay friends that brought me into their world of sex, lust and possibilities.

Now, the world of gays or also known as PLU (People Like Us) in Malaysia is what I'd call the industry of hope. I enjoyed spending more time with them compared to my straight friends because they are direct, straight forward, open and most of all, honest with themselves. I guess I changed too much (in a good way - my POV) that many would either think I'm currently a guy pretending to be gay or a lesbian pretending to love  dicks and blowjobs. Truth be told, I'm neither one as I'm just being the person that had been striving to get out of the world of deception, lies and apple-polishers.

If anyone is to ask me on my sexual orientation right now, the answer would be I'm open to anything and everything. I'm curious on the possibilities, I'm afraid of the probabilities - However, I'm not gonna hide in the well like a frog when there's a whole world out there to be explored. As what I've once said to a friend, I'm not bi-curious, I'm not bisexual, I'm not straight nor am I gay. I'm currently bi-complex. There's too many complexity in life and I'm allowing whatever that decides to come flow as it goes. If I do find a girl I'm willing to sleep with, I wouldn't mind giving it a try. After all, there's nothing to lose and many to gain. There goes my additional choice - bisexual or les. Let time decide my fate on that.

A Daring Blackmail

How many of us are still lamer chatting in IRC? There're quite a few to really think about it. I'm just one of them that decides to waste my time on it. Yes dears, I use IRC to meet new people, lose my tantrums, control my boredom + depression and most of all, finding for some sex partners (which i momentarily stop for a while).

The topic today is about a guy someone introduced me to chat about. He came in my mind as someone that is filled with confidence and pride. I guess more than Ty, my previous crush. His attitude and attributes are so much alike; the only difference is that one's ego is so strong that he failed to be sensitive to others' around him. This is the guy I need, someone who can command me and tell me what I should do when I'm just halfway stuck on the fence finding for a reason to step it all in.

Within minutes of chatting, he had shot me, left, right, up, down n right in the centre. Damn, I like it in a way; and hell, I hate it at the same time. Anyways, I thought I'd give it a try as he offered to assist me to the 'right path'. However, this path includes giving my soul, my emotions, my body and my mind to him. Literally, it would include sex one way or the other. From experience, I knew that this would be a way to deal with all these issues in me; and in another I had my doubts. Rest assured by him, I decided to just give it my shot.

It started off simple and as a day or two goes by, I call myself his slave n he's my Master. I'm to listen to him, obey him and tell him my ultimate desires. I'm supposed to accept my punishment, learn from my mistakes and be the 'lil sweet slut' of his. I'll be the girl of his dreams, assisting him and allowing him to use me as he wants; as I'm using his mind over my matters. It was all fine and fun at first, seeing myself kneel before him, seeing myself being exploited and used as others wish, allowing my mind to rest and others to take full-control over it. I did some things on the cam for him as he requested; not because i'm addicted to him (or his penis - that's what he claims would be my ultimate desire) but because I'm in need of someone to command me, change me and release Carmen out of the torture of her own mind.

As days gone by, I started changing. I'm no longer shy, no longer bothered, its just all to see someone else's pleasure instead of mine. A way to show what my body, my words, my mind can do to another; and a way to be told that I'm nothing more worth-full than a slut, a whore and a maniac. As I started conflicting myself; and with my monetarily, family, friends issues; my mind got too tired, rebellious and frustrated with all these commands. I'm nothing more than just what he wanted me to be, I'm no longer the person I want to be or I am, I'm just the gal, the lost lil girl he found and owned. The girl that finally realized that she needs her space to breathe to allow herself to be owned; or else, she wants to be left lost and alone cause that's the only way she'll gain back herself, her mind and her dreams.

I tried talking to him. He kept telling me I'm lost, I needed him, he is a part of me; remembered how he emphasized I'm nothing without him, I'll be nobody but a long lost kid, hoping someone would pick me up n guide me the way I wanted to be courted. Giving up trying to talk, I continued his game, just that there was no longer webcams involved or pictures in any explicit ways. After being forced for my number, so that he's can tell me what to do and for him to listen to my voice, I gave up. Ignorance would be a bliss; no matter how rude it would be. I'll come back when I need this experience again. But he wouldn't let me...

He tried contacting me but I ignored him. He went to my friend; throwing his frustrations and thoughts towards her. Poor gal didn't know what was happening and got it all. Finally, I responded to him and the argument heated up. His words were still about the same, hitting me n condemning me, thinking he was all right and perfect. His ego was too high that I've decided to ignore him. Finally, he said - I had enough. Just pray your videos are not up in the net.

Well, if he did take videos of me being his slave, allowing myself to be exploited, kneeling before him listening to what he wants me to do... so be it. I'm done with that. If anyone I know is to find out and could not accept me for what happened, I guess its my luck to be. I was who i was, I am who i am. I am no longer pretending to hide behind my curtain to please anyone anywhere. My emotions and my mind is enough to put me through turmoils between the truth and the needs of others; conflicting everything that I've learnt and I am. At least I did try something although I failed literally. After all, I ain't surprised I'd receive this blackmail from him...

P.S: Thank god this is all online and I have never met him and allowed him to use me in real. Although, I've got to say, all the bondage, slave and master thoughts turns me on at times. ^^

A Decision Made; A New Path Taken

A lot might have thought that being me leads to a blissful life. A world filled with experience, choices and opportunities that others are dreaming to receive. What most never knew was that my life was crumpling down drastically in an extremely fast pace from the since 3 years ago. An incident that changed my life + my thoughts and brought back memories I'd never dream its the real truth. Guess we'll never be able to run away from our past; and trying to do so, it just haunts us back 10x more than before.

After the last depression call; the issues of falling for the wrong guy and learning to overcome every single thing, my world began to build its way back. Gym helped me tremendously, losing weight and gaining confidence at the same time learning to control my emotions. However, things just runs out of control at times. There were things I've been thinking and the solutions doesn't seem to really help as it forces me to make a choice, between my principles or my emotions. Finally, I made a choice and this would be it. I'm gonna be myself and I'm gonna do anything and everything to keep myself at par; no matter if others feel this would be a wrong step.

My first step was to ignore my fear and change my principles. Be the person I want to be and be the person I should be. Someone came to my rescue as the thoughts was lingering in my mind. I guess with the help of alcohol, a whole bunch of flirting and touching, the situation changed. It all started in my room at 5am, from just touches and feeling the need of someone, we finally did it. Not once, but twice. He left early in the morning, n I went over to his place for the final session.

At first, I thought this would build up on my guilt but it didn't. I felt much better, much sexier, happier n got my ball running. Things seems better than before. Guess my decision was right, and this would be my path I'm living on now. I'm not ready for a relationship - not ready for a commitment or the issues that comes with it; however, i have every right to be human and enjoy what there is to be enjoyed. Some might think makes me a slut, but as long as I'm playing it safe and my close mates understands this, the world is being a better place for me to stay at. Who am I to complain ^^.